Real fitness, Real Life, Real Love
February 2018
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Well it has been over a year. So many random things have happened in the last year where to begin.

Let me think I broke up with a few boyfriends in that time (shocking I know!) I just have not found someone that vibes with my kids and I. I do not have loads of time to take care of a man-child. If you are unable to pick up after yourself and help clean my house that you live in. I do not have time to deal with whining bitch poor me attitudes. I enjoy bitching but I do not remain stagnate and wallow in self-pity. I bitch and move on.

My weight has ballooned up 25 pounds this last year to the point I assumed I had a thyroid problem, diabetes something. I started going to the doctor trying to figure out what was causing this weight gain. I started seeking treatment for my asthma that I was diagnosed with when I was 12. This is when I hit a minefield. After taking two pulmonary functions test, I was told that I did not have asthma. I had tachycardia an abnormally fast heart rate. The pain and shortness of breath I would feel after going up the stairs, whenever I was exercising or playing with my kids this was my heart beating out of my chest.

I was angry!!! I have gone to the doctors for random things and a hundreds of times due to pregnancies and not one doctor, no one them caught it. Hell, I donated plasma and they took your pulse. No one ever realized that my resting heart rate was in the 80’s and 90’s. Apparently, I had hundreds of doctor always assume I was nervous. I was guilt laden what if I had passed this trait on to my children. The doctor assured me that it is not a genetic issue. Yet, my mother was born with a whole in her heart, and my father has angina. Two unrelated heart issues and I their only child also has a heart issue. I do not believe in coincidences. I was given a prescription for beta-blockers and sent on my way. I found out a week before my 33rd birthday. I am a Google warrior; I looked up a million things about tachycardia. Which just made me panic even more.

Wanna see a list of my beta blockers possible side effects:

More common:

  • Blurred vision
  • cold hands or feet
  • confusion
  • difficult or labored breathing
  • dizziness, faintness, or lightheadedness when getting up from a lying or sitting position suddenly
  • shortness of breath
  • sweating
  • tightness in chest
  • unusual tiredness or weakness
  • wheezing

Less common:

  • Anxiety
  • chest pain or discomfort
  • chills
  • cold sweats
  • cough
  • dizziness or lightheadedness
  • fainting
  • fast heartbeat
  • leg pain
  • noisy breathing
  • slow or irregular heartbeat
  • sudden shortness of breath or troubled breathing


  • Bloody urine
  • decreased frequency or amount of urine
  • increased blood pressure
  • increased thirst
  • loss of appetite
  • lower back or side pain
  • nausea
  • swelling of face, fingers, or lower legs
  • vomiting
  • weight gain

Incidence not determined

  • Black, tarry stools
  • bleeding gums
  • blood in urine or stools
  • blurred or loss of vision
  • bone or joint pain
  • disturbed color perception
  • double vision
  • feeling that others are watching you or controlling your behavior
  • feeling that others can hear your thoughts
  • feeling, seeing, or hearing things that are not there
  • fever
  • halos around lights
  • night blindness
  • overbright appearance of lights
  • paleness or cold feeling in fingertips and toes
  • pinpoint red or purple spots on skin
  • severe mood or mental changes
  • skin irritation or rash, including rash that looks like psoriasis
  • skin rash, hives, or itching
  • sore throat
  • swollen or painful glands
  • tingling or pain in fingers or toes when exposed to cold
  • tunnel vision
  • unusual behavior
  • unusual bleeding or bruising
  • Anxiety
  • coma
  • cool, pale skin
  • depression
  • dilated neck veins
  • extreme fatigue
  • headache
  • increased hunger
  • irregular breathing
  • nervousness
  • nightmares
  • seizures
  • shakiness
  • slurred speech
  • unusual drowsiness, dullness, tiredness, weakness, or feeling of sluggishness


More common:

  • Discouragement
  • feeling sad or empty
  • irritability
  • lack of appetite
  • loss of interest or pleasure
  • trouble concentrating
  • trouble sleeping

Less common:

  • Diarrhea
  • dream activity
  • feeling of constant movement of self or surroundings
  • sensation of spinning
  • sleepiness

Incidence not determined

  • Decreased interest in sexual intercourse
  • dry mouth
  • inability to have or keep an erection
  • loss in sexual ability, desire, drive, or performance
  • loss of hair, temporary
  • pain of penis on erection

Ok let us just look at these emotional side effect. WTF Seriously these are issues I deal with on a daily basis and now I am going to be taking a pill that is going to make it worse. I am so screwed.

  • Discouragement
  • feeling sad or empty
  • irritability
  • lack of appetite
  • loss of interest or pleasure
  • trouble concentrating
  • trouble sleeping
  • Decreased interest in sexual intercourse

I started my medication very fearfully. What if these pills turned me into a monster? The first week I started with a low dose. Then was told to up it the following week.  It has been about three months and I have not noticed any of those side effects Thank Goddess. I do forget to take my pill sometimes, but I am usually pretty good about it. Another hurdle I finally jumped. I can tell a difference on the days when I take my medication and when I do not. I bought a newer jawbone that tracks my heart rate as well as sleep and steps. On days where I do not take my pill my heart rate is probably for the average 10 to 20 extra beats. Now this news also opened another Pandora ’s Box. At 33, I was still on the fence about having more kids. I knew that if I were going to I would need to figure something out in the next two years. I am not getting preggers at 36. Yet now I know I have a heart condition and I would be subjugating an unborn child to a possible heart condition. I felt like I was shutting a door to a piece of me that I so desperately wanted.

I still do not know what I am going to do. Being a single bird it is not like a bunch of suitors are popping up. I recently babysat for a friend, an eleven year old, four year old and two year old. In addition, my two boys. I loved it. It was crazy and hectic but we had so much fun. We made lunch and dinner, went to the park, got ice cream and did arts and crafts. Yes, it was just one day but having those extra kids around made me realize I am one tough mamba jamba. I could take one another child. I loved taking care of the littlest one brushing her hair and helping her with her shoes. Being a good mom comes in many forms. I am because I am present; I love and would do anything for my boys. While trolly exes wants to try to piss me off and say I am not a good mother because of some arbitrary issues (I do not fight the kids to eat super nutritious food, they are grazers.) I am a good mother. I am there. I work hard; I am the one balancing everything for them. I put away my dreams and desires to make sure they reach theirs. My dreams and goals are still there but they are on the backburner. I will not be like my parents who selfishly thought of themselves, over and over again. They would leave me home alone (at 7, in Vegas) to go gamble all night long. They would pick up and leave on vacations without me, because I had school. I will never be like them.

The work front has taken a crazy turn. There was a full time position opening up about thirty minutes the other way from my current location. I applied and was approved with a raise. Yes, I wanted a full time position for the Coop but I was hoping that would come once Sawyer started kindergarten so it would be more convenient for all of us. Yet when the universe opens the door for you, you walk right through. It has been a little stressful, learning how to juggle full time school, full time Coop, business projects, and kids. While some (again trolley exes) think that I settled that I am working for the man. This was always the intended goal. I wanted the structure of the 9 to 5. I wanted the health insurance, and 401k. At 33, I felt like I was not on a stable path. When you work for yourself, you might make three grand in a month and you might make one. I wanted a stable paycheck. I want to buy a new truck and the bank would not take my tax returns for my self-employment as income. I needed a “real” job to prove income. I also want to build onto my house another loan I need a real income to get. I love billing and working with grain trucks. This could be a good fit for many years to come. I like my co-workers. I am learning balance slowly but surely.

So weight loss and nutrition. This has been a rough go. When I started full time at the Coop it was spring, which meant spring agronomy, I was working fifteen-hour days. I would pack half a fridge and still be hungry and eat out double bacon cheeseburgers and fries. I was drinking monster and diet Pepsi again. My weight ballooned up again; pants I had bought a month prior did not fit anymore. (A lot of yoga pants.) I started an early morning kickboxing class with a friend. It runs twice a week and kicks my ass. I have started looking into a Whole30 type program and want to incorporate more whole foods into my diet and get rid of process foods. It has been rough I still have days when friends come over and we order pizza. I still have a few beers on the weekend. However, I am 33 not 10 I am not here to punish myself for every little item. I will be updating my new measurements and weight this weekend! Eek!

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